Teachable Moments

I know that often in life God uses situations to teach us things. But I also know that sometimes I'm not the most teachable person ever. I feel like God is really trying to get through to me with this whole having a baby before Derek leaves thing, but I just don't know that I'm in a teachable state of mind. I hope that I am though.

Today I had my 37 week check up. Praise God, i made it to full term. Wesley's lungs should be fully developed by now and really he's just hanging out in there to get stronger and more perfect before he comes to meet us. I can already tell he's a strong, energetic boy and I love to feel and see him kick. This morning he kicked my midwife a lot and she'd just laugh and poke him back every time he did. His favorite place to make himself known is right below my right ribs, I constantly feel his little foot jabbing and poking there and love it! Joanne predicted that at term Wesley will be in the mid seven pound range. I know that that's just a pure guess on her part, so we'll see how accurate it is, but so many people have asked me about it I wanted to at least get an answer for them. Anyhow, the main thing I went for was to check my progression, and sadly I report that I still have not dilated nor am I effaced at all. As soon as I was told that I had to hold back the tears because I was just so hoping that I would at least have a little progression, but nothing yet.

After I left the office I cried, a lot. I went to Walmart and talked to my mom in the parking lot and cried for a while. Then on my way home I realized something. After my prayer of "Okay God, what's going on? Am I not saying the right words? Am I not saying exactly what you want to hear?!" I realized that all my talk of trust has been a bunch of bull. I realized that everything that I'm saying isn't trust, it's pure attempts at manipulation. Somehow I think I've convinced myself in my mind that there is a magic word/phrase and once I say it God will answer my prayers, things will be exactly what I want them to be. Thus far in my life I've been pretty good at figuring out the magic words because I've gotten out of a lot of close calls, and the majority of my prayers have been answered precisely how I intended all along. But here, in one of the most crucial times I feel like I just can't figure it out! It's not trust, it's not whatever You want, it's not Your will not mine. I want to know that I cannot MANIPULATE God, He's God and He is the end all to my prayers. but I just don't think that I've figured it out yet! I feel that somehow maybe even the words I'm writing now are me trying to let God see Hey, I learned my lesson, now get this baby out! There is a huge part of me that is slowly realizing the potential of having our child without Derek here, and that part is breaking my heart. But maybe that's what God intends. Maybe he wants me to PROVE my trust in Him. Maybe He's calling my bluff and showing me that my words don't affect His sovereignty.

God in all of this, no matter how my heart breaks, I WILL NOT doubt Your goodness. I may not trust you the way I say that I do. I may say words that I feel make me look like a better Christian even if I don't truly mean them in my heart, but I will NEVER doubt your goodness.